Dear Jennifer:

My 50-year old husband and I were raised as strict Catholics. After years of reading, reflecting and much soul searching, my husband is no longer a practicing Catholic. In fact, he and I do not feel that organized religion is right for us, and we're comfortable in our own beliefs.

The problem is that we are still making believe, for the benefit of his parents and sister, that we are practicing Catholics. His parents are almost 80 years old and are very devout, as is his sister.

My husband feels strongly that he should tell his parents and sister the truth. Knowing his family, I believe his parents will feel they have failed and both his parents and sister will worry about our souls making it to heaven, and nothing we say will make them believe otherwise. We're the same people we've always been, but I'm afraid they'll see us differently, and once we've told the truth, we can't take it back. I'm sure this sounds silly, but it has me very worried. Any advice?

Dear Reader:

The question for your husband to ask himself is: what is your reason for telling your parents about your departure from Catholicism? Is it to win acceptance from them for your decision? Is it to convince them of your viewpoint and disagreement with the Catholic doctrine? Is this an expression of some long-standing resentment towards them? What about waiting until now to tell them – why now? Or is to be honest about who you really are and what you believe before it’s too late?

The motivation behind the revelation will give you the clue as to the value in telling the family. If he answers yes to any of the first three questions, he has some feelings to sort through before he should ever open his mouth. After much consideration, if he answers yes to the last question, and his clear desire is to be honest about his life with his parents, then he needs to be prepared for their responses. From what you are predicting, they will be distraught. It doesn’t sound like any convincing will work.

Your husband’s compelling reason for telling his parents this ''news'' must outweigh the fallout of what will be a very difficult revelation for his parents. His sister has some recovery time left. His parents are in their eighties. I’m wary of his motivation, but I respect his decision to talk with them if his genuine feeling is that time is short and he wants to clear the slate with his parents.

As with so many life decisions, the only certainty is that his choice will not have a clean result. He’ll have to live with some regret either way.

Copyright 2005 Jennifer Lock Oman

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