Dear Jennifer:
I’m a 65-year-old widow and I have had the past four years since my husband’s death to mull over our 17-year relationship.

My husband had been ill the past several years on and off and the last year on a regular basis. I was preparing myself for his not getting better when suddenly he did. I felt grateful and began to make plans to take a family leave from my job so we could spend the winter in Florida.

My husband had never been easy to live with and his illness was especially stressful. With the improvement in his health, I felt he’d have some gratitude for his better health and some appreciation of my caretaking.

Instead he was angrier than before. I finally could not take any more and after a very ugly scene he left and went to live with his son and family. Seven weeks after we separated, my husband died.

I now realize our problem was communication. My husband never supported me in our disagreements. He never gave me permission to have a different thought than he did. He belittled me and made light of my needs.

In earlier years we had been to several therapists without resolution of our difficulties. I often wondered why we could never get help for our troubled marriage. I felt our differences seemed too overwhelming to be reconciled and at times my husband too impossible for any therapist to make a difference.

Now I'm just looking for some peace. -- J. T. in New Jersey

Dear J.T.:
I’m sorry that your marriage seemed so unfinished and conflicted in the end. The issues in your relationship were multi-layered and complex. Your husband’s behavior towards you was extremely harmful and emotionally abusive. And, unfortunately, therapy doesn’t always succeed, particularly in the following situations:

• With a person who is unmotivated to look at his/her own behavior or his/her part in the problem;


• When there’s a personality mismatch with the therapist, (and what’s really needed is a different therapist;) or,


• When a person does not stay in therapy long enough to get the benefit of it. This could be a result of impatience on the part of the person seeking therapy, limitations set by insurance companies, or other issues.

In reviewing your 17 years together, remember that the success or failure of your marriage was not your responsibility alone. Grief, anger and regret are feelings that may accompany your trek toward resolution. Don’t discount the value of therapy. For this journey the company of a therapist may be helpful for you to let go and move forward.

Copyright 2005 Jennifer Lock Oman

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