Dear Jennifer:
I’ve been living with a guy for two years. He was married once, and doesn’t want to ever get married again. He said that marriage is propaganda and that having a ''legal'' document doesn’t count for all the love he has for me.

I wasn’t aware of this, or I would have never moved in with him. He presented me with a so-called ''engagement ring'' last year, and I assumed that the next step was marriage.

I’ve never been married. I never had the opportunity to wear a bridal dress, and have a normal wedding. I have a one and half old child with this person, and I think it’s unfair to the child, as well as me, that he has no intention of marrying me.

He owns the house and he said I can be listed on the deed if I’d like, but I don't want to do that unless I am legally married to this man. I have a joint checking account with him since I think it is only fair I share the bills with him.

What is your opinion of this situation? I appreciate any advice you can give. -- Jayne in New Jersey

Dear Jayne:
Your angst about this situation floats around a.) not getting to wear a wedding dress, and b.) some sort of false pride about not wanting to be named in a deed. What about the flesh-and-blood child you mention briefly half way through your letter?

What discussion did you have about marriage before you conceived this child? One could say that this conversation needed to occur for ethical and religious reasons. I say that it definitely needed to occur for the welfare, well-being and secure development of your child. If marriage had been discussed clearly, openly and first, this situation may never have surfaced. And this child wouldn’t have to live with the fall-out of two self-absorbed, Murphy Brown parents.

As it is now, your principle priority is your child’s security. Marlene M. Browne, an attorney and author of ''The Divorce Process: Empowerment Through Knowledge,'' advises that the way ''to protect your rights as this man's life partner (if he won't marry, and you decide to stay in the relationship) is to have a written cohabitation agreement spelling out your rights to financial support, bank accounts, your share in any property, businesses, stocks, and any other items, that might be acquired during the time you live together. For now, anything that's in his name alone is out of your reach.''

My advice to you is to contact an attorney today to know your full legal rights in order to support your child. You can give an ultimatum to your live-in. However, whether or not you tie the knot with Mr. Laissez Faire, your child’s financial future should be secured.

Copyright 2005 Jennifer Lock Oman

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