Dear Jennifer:
Mindy, and I have been best friends since second grade. Mindy can sometimes be pretty snippy with her comments towards me. In the past I just sort of blew it off, even though sometimes she could really hurt me. If I ever did say anything to her, she’d give me the silent treatment until I apologized to her. Finally, I decided that I was a bigger person than to let her comments get to me. It was just too much of a hassle to say anything and then go through the silent-treatment game.

In the last few months I’ve lost a lot of weight. I also got a great promotion at work, and moved into my own apartment.

Since these good things have started happening to me, Mindy’s gotten worse. She makes really mean comments to me. It’s getting hard for me to be the bigger person and not say anything. I don’t want to lose her friendship after all of these years, but I don’t want her to put me down about the good things that happen to me, either. How do I choose what to do here? -- MAP

Dear Reader:
Whatever you choose to do, there will be a price to pay.
If you say nothing to Mindy about her attacking behavior, you join with her by disrespecting yourself. If you find your voice and let Mindy know that her behavior is cruel and unacceptable, you risk losing the relationship.

Nothing is free. Good things like losing weight, getting a promotion and moving out on your own don’t just ''happen to you.'' You work to earn them.

Relational growth also carries a price. Changing the dynamic of this relationship will not be easy. If you decide to speak up for yourself tell Mindy how you feel and ask her to discuss it with you without cutting off. At the same time, be prepared that she may distance from you anyway. Ask yourself: Can you tolerate her silence and/or cut off if you assert yourself? Can you tolerate the anxiety of waiting it out without ''apologizing'' unnecessarily and see if she can meet you half way?

It’s the healthy part of you that’s questioning the relationship and urging you to confront Mindy’s hurtful behavior. While you’re pondering this further, read ''When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You” by Jan Yager, or ''The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate'' by Harriet Lerner.

The best friends are the ones that can celebrate your achievements, as well as support you in your challenges. Time and effort (from both of you) will tell if you can survive to this latest test of friendship.

Copyright 2005 Jennifer Lock Oman

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