Dear Jennifer:
Lisa and I have been tremendous friends since we began working together. Two years ago we were both up for the same position at work. I told her that if she bowed out of the competition and I got it, then I’d help her the next time there was a new position opening up. In this way we’d help each other up the company ladder. Lisa bowed out and I got the position.

Two months ago a position came open in another department that we were both super interested in getting. We both applied. I did some behind the scenes finagling and sort of bad- mouthed Lisa’s work habits (she has two kids and gets to work late frequently.) I didn’t bow out of the competition for this new position like Lisa and I agreed, and she found out the things I said about her to the supervisor interviewing for this position.

Lisa won’t have anything to do with me now and she’s letting everyone in our old department know what happened. I think that was between us and I’m furious that she’s sharing it with people that were my friends, too. She told me to my face that I’m ''disgusting,'' among other things. I’m furious and hurt. Should I confront Lisa?

Dear Reader:
Your behavior is disgusting. You lied, smeared and betrayed your friend. How can you question anything that Lisa feels or does in response to your abhorrent behavior?

Disgust is just one of several honest reactions Lisa should have to your behavior. Disgust is an emotion of distance. Disgust evolved first to protect us when something good taken in the mouth (i.e. food) turned bad and was spit out. Your relationship was at one time good until you betrayed Lisa. Now Lisa’s disgusted response to your bad behavior is to reject your relationship. It’s a protective maneuver and she should take it.

On the surface you feel angry and hurt at being rejected. These emotions come from your appraisal of Lisa’s behavior. If you could bear to go more deeply you might also feel ashamed. And your shame could inform you about your own behavior.

Your shame might instruct you to do the honorable thing and apologize for your appalling behavior towards your friend. I would suggest that you do this with no expectations for the outcome other than to piece together a little of your integrity. Your relationship may be beyond repair, but you could use some practice acting honorably.

As long as you’re stuck on how you’ve been wronged, it’s unlikely that you’ll look at your own behavior. The first lesson you might learn is that actions have consequences. These are your consequences.

Copyright 2005 Jennifer Lock Oman

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